you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
