Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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