oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
