Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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