I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
