You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
