Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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