I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
