My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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