its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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