All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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