I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
