bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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