she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
