dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
