He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
They have beer where we have blood.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
