how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Is it penis luge time yet?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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