Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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