in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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