Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
