Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My ATM looks so different sober.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
