I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
