I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
