We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
