She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
