She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
