I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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