She's JV to your varsity
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
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