Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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