My Higher Power is John Stamos
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
