Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
