Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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