you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
