Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
