Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
