He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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