3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need to sanitize my soul.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
