I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
