Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
