The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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