so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
