every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
