I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
