plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
