and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Text me some of your sweat
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