I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
