My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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