Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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