It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
