If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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