You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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