I think my fart just growled at me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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